Communication Differences of Man and Woman

That men and women are on different wavelengths when it comes to communicating is probably not news to you. It’s not hard, from even simple observations, to see the potential problems when men and women communicate. Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, who has written a book called You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, made an attempt to study the differences in man-woman communication.

She observed, that women create feelings of closeness by conversing with their friends and lovers. Men don’t use communication in this way, so they can’t figure out why their women are continually talk, talk, talking. Eventually, many men just tune their women out. Men are confused by the various ways women use conversation to be intimate with others. One of these ways is “troubles talk”. Tannen notes, that for women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. I tell you my troubles, you tell me your troubles, and we’re close. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution.

When a man offers this kind of information the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns. The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue. When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn’t care about her because he won’t talk to her in a way that feels intimate.

The author concludes that women must learn that the kind of intimate talk they have with their girlfriends should remain just that. Trying to turn your man into a girlfriend will usually fail because men, in general, don’t create feelings of closeness in that way. Men, too can understand that when their woman is talking, she is attempting to connect to him-she’s not just talking to talk, nor is she trying to readjust the status of their relationship. By sharing more of himself he shows her, in a way she can understand, that he’s not pushing her away; that he does indeed love her and want to be close to her.